the part of me I'll never know
I want this to be somewhat of a temporary placard, a symbol for something, for a place to say, "This is where I started something different." Completely personal and totally for my own state of mind. This is the moment when I slowly and humbly walk away from one way of living and thinking, or can we say, I am choosing to walk in a different direction of thinking. See for most of my life I've given myself more than enough credit and/or guilt when it comes to my overall well-being. I, for some reason, believe I'm in complete and total control of my being and my self, that when anything deters my overall mood or shakes me in any bit it is due to a misstep by yours truly. Well, I'm starting now to surrender that mode of thinking.
I've just been learning more and more of recent through personal observation along with discourses with many other humans that a person's well-being has way more to do chemically as well as with many outside factors that the person encountering it all at the same time non-cognitively has no real control, or let me say, no real awareness. Then with that said, people may actually be doing more damage to themselves by taking full responsibility for their lack of a solid state of well-being. I like using the world holistic in these regards because root word is "whole." Meaning totally encompassing the giant obtuse and ever growing "all." Whole, all, every-damn-last-bit.
I used to, well at least before this altar of moving on, think that I had this totalitarian control over how I felt. And, for instance, if I was feeling down or sad or melancholy, that I should be able to shuffle or shift my overall emotional health to the moments of happiness or joy. And if I could not, well then, I was a terrible person, or just letting myself down by being a bad or insufficient human. But just for a day's encounters and movements, there is such a wealth of factors and contributors that do not get any of their due credit. In and of itself for my mind to know every single nuance of what it takes to shape and just be in a certain moment is incomprehensible. Meaning for me to know the map of the numerous synapses constructed of energy found in electricy in my brain for one day lest one moment is totally impossible to fathom. I have no idea what my hormone levels look like now, nor do I know if my blood sugar/pressure is at a correct equilibrim, nor do I know if I've eaten correctly to equate happiness, and I do not know how much sleep is correct for a "good" day, and even worse I don't know what the right prescription for eating or dealing is to say that I'm happy consistently. I guess the first level for me is to say that my consumption habits play such a large role in my emotional and meta-physical countenance, that by the end of trying to understand it all or control it all I am left grasping at any last straw I can find.
So I'm going to start moving in a different direction. I'm not going to quit my the search for understanding. Hell no! By no means is that me. But, I guess I'm going to give myself a break. Cut me some slack and just relax. I'll let the inexplainable continue to be a bit inexplainable; no need for an explanation here. I will still pursue understanding my own health and what habits contribute or what habits take away and try to live a bit more holistically day to day. So for now, I'm going to have the occasional cigarette, eat like a king, cry when I can allow myself to, love like there's no tomorrow, laugh at the word Penis + Wrinkle, get horribly pissed when Tech get's their shit handed to them by them Boomer Sooners, and I guess just give myself a big ol' cushion of "I don't know and you'll be OK." The rest is up to the part of me I'll never ever know.